Dating Advice, Part I: Communicating Your Desires

This is the first part of a series about dating, relationships, finding the right person, keeping the right person, not pissing off the right person, and what to do if it turns out that wasn't the right person after all. Questions and comments are welcome, but remember that if an issue isn't addressed in a segment, it may be touched upon in a later post.

On the etherbox (I believe those of you from Earth call it a "television") I saw an advertisement for a restaurant that depicts what is probably the main problem of communication between the sexes. In this commercial, a young man uses a Gnomish communication device to contact his beloved and let her know he is at the restaurant and wants to bring her some dinner.

"My darling," he tells her, "I am at the restaurant and wish to bring you dinner. Ask anything you desire, and it is yours!" Quite a generous and noble young man, this one. (Ladies, this is what you call "A Keeper.")

However, his lady's response is one that could cause problems in their relationship. She replied to him, "Food from That Restaurant! Wonderful! You know what I like!" (Emphasis mine.) And then she hangs up, leaving her young man grasping for a solution that will have a happy result. He's not sure what she wants. And though he knows she likes some things, what if she was craving something different that day?

So the young man buys one of everything from the "value menu" in the hopes that some of the items please her. It turns out that she does like a few of the items he chose, and he is rescued from a potential relationship-harming situation.

Now, before any female readers think I am pointing fingers at them for being the sole reason relationships don't work, let me explain some observations:

Women, in general, often communicate their desires by dropping hints or dodging saying what they really want. There are many reasons for this depending on the situation: they don't wish to be seen as greedy or selfish, they want to know that their mate has paid enough attention to them to know their likes and dislikes, they want to share the decision-making process by narrowing the selection down and letting their mate make the final decision.

Ladies, we appreciate these reasons, and honor them as best we can. However, you must take into account the male brain. Let's face it...guys can be pretty dense. Can be? No, we ARE pretty dense. We are the reason there are instruction manuals that use only illustrations to show how to put together a bookshelf.

To make up for our cluelessness, we swing wildly to the other side of the spectrum and overthink everything. We try to find the subtle nuances in exactly what our ladies say, how they said it, and the various meanings each word could have to try to figure out what they want. You see, women have conditioned us to second-guess everything. We don't want to disappoint, and have come to expect a catch in even a simple request.

Example: A guy wants to take his beloved on a dinner date. He asks if she would like steak or seafood. She chooses seafood. He asks her if there's anything in particular she would like (fried, grilled, blackened, fancy restaurant, all-you-can-eat buffet, etc.) and she says that as long as it's seafood she'll be happy. So he takes her to a nice Crimson Crustacean restaurant since it is not too expensive, has more class than a buffet, has a decent variety of dishes, and he seems to remember her saying she likes the cheddar biscuits. He orders a bottle of wine, the meal is enjoyable, and they share a dessert. But somehow she's not happy.

As it turned out, she would have preferred sushi.

The next time they go on a date he will ask her if she would like steak or seafood, and if she says seafood, he will not question any further and take her to the best sushi bar in town to make up for the previous gaffe.

Inevitably, that will be the night she's craving the cheddar biscuits.

When a lady DOES say she likes something specific, her mate is likely to latch onto that clear instruction, often with dire consequences. We don't realize it until it's too late, mind you, but a statement of, "I like _____." is something we can comprehend. Again, it's a matter of communication.

Example: A couple goes shopping together and a lady points at a red sweater and says she likes it. The male brain is filing away that information: She likes red sweaters. If she offers no further information about the red sweater, he is likely going to try to get that sweater for her as a gift. If that sweater is no longer available, he will probably try to find her another red sweater to make up for it.

After her closet shelves are packed with red sweaters and the relationship is broken off, he will wonder why she didn't like his gifts.

(Ladies, if you felt like I was pointing fingers at you for relationship problems, this is where I'm turning the tables.)

Gentlemen, this is for you. Your task is simple:

1) ASK QUESTIONS.
2) PAY ATTENTION TO THE ANSWERS.

Swallow your pride, guys. That whole joke about men being too proud to ask for directions when lost? It goes for your relationship too.

If your date points to a red sweater and says she likes it, don't just assume she likes red sweaters. Ask her what she likes about it. Is it the particular shade of red? Is it the style? Is it the material? Is it the brand? What is it about THAT sweater that catches her eye? Trust me, guys...if you buy just ANY red sweater you will be out money and she will not have what she wanted. And to make up for it, don't just buy her one red sweater after another to try to figure it out yourself. ASK HER.

Test your knowledge, too, to make sure you have it right. On a later shopping trip, find another sweater that you think has the same qualities as the first. Point it out to her and say, "Remember that red sweater you liked? What do you think of this one?" Ask leading questions that give her a chance to compare and contrast and she may give you further information to get to know her taste better. She likes the similar style, but doesn't like the sleeves. She's not into that shade of blue. The material feels nicer, and the fit is more flattering. Again, you are showing interest in what she likes, and giving her a chance to express herself.

This is where men fail the relationship. We want to figure things out. We want to explore new territory, solve the puzzle, be the first to scale the mountain. It's trickier when dealing with people. You may know that she likes the color yellow, and roses are her favorite flower. But if you get her a bouquet of yellow roses (which often signify "friendship") she may take it that you like her...but aren't in love with her. Can you see where this might be a problem?

Knowing likes and dislikes goes beyond giving gifts. Both parties need to be willing to try new things that their partner enjoys, be it food, travel spots, entertainment, hobbies, or otherwise. Both parties also need to know what are specific dislikes, and why they are not enjoyed, so those dislikes can be respected and avoided.

But neither party should have to pry that information out of the other.

In summary:

MEN: Asking questions is a good thing, and you should not think of yourself as weak for doing so. Your lady will appreciate the attention and interest you are showing. Even better when you can come away with a tidbit of information that you can use later as a pleasant surprise. Sometimes you need to ask direct questions to get the clear answer you seek.

WOMEN: Please accept that men aren't always the greatest at figuring out what you want. Be direct with us. It will make us happier to have clear directions so we can satisfy you. And yes, we do understand that sometimes you want to be surprised or know that we've put together the string of hints you've dropped, but understand that we do try. Men do enjoy having a bit of a challenge, but not for every minor detail.

Just that little bit can clear up a lot of communication issues between a couple, leading them to having a more open and honest relationship with each other.